I know this may be difficult to accept, but it is necessary that this truth be assimilated by the public at large to prevent the marring of our otherwise attractive Christmas decorations with hideous representations of the actually quite frightening and entirely fictitious bearded elf.
However, while this may break the hearts of children across our self-centered and self-absorbed western civilizations, parents often love their children and give them gifts curiously mislabeled to prevent the discovery of this embarrassing love. Using this method, parents are able to redirect their annoying and avaricious children's begging to a safe-ish direction. At the same time, they prevent their children from trusting or appreciating the parents themselves. No, Virgil, there is no Santa Claus, if he did exist, he would be evil.
Parents often lie to their children, not to be mean and play nasty tricks on them, or make them look foolish in front of their schoolmates and business partners, but because the parents never learned the fine art of obfuscation and misdirection in order that they may temporarily conceal difficult truths from their little ones. Truths like the Easter Bunny's illuminating demise in an university laboratory, of where babies come from, or where your puppy disappeared to last week. No, Virgil, there is no Santa Claus, your parents are cowards.
Also, our natural world is governed by fixed laws that prevent us from being thrown into space or bursting in to fire for no reason. These Newtonian laws concerning momentum, mass, friction, kinetic and potential energy, clearly establish the impossiblity of any physical object doing the things Santa Claus is supposed to do. No, Virgil, there is no Santa Claus, the law does not allow it.
So I hope this letter found you well, and I hope that your cancer gets better, and that you find other avenues of inquiry into possible remedies to be more successful and existant than that creepy old elf, Santa Claus.
Yours, the Verbum Sap.
